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Monday, May 23, 2011

Why are you searching as if im not enough?

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
                I catch you glancing at me for just a second too long, caring for me when you shouldn't be. It leaves me wondering. What are you thinking? Why when you had me you had the chance to prove to me you actually cared, you didn’t. And now that I am gone, you suddenly care. Don't act concerned about me once I have moved on.  Another man doing the job you couldn’t. You promised me "always & forever". What is that to you? A couple of months? Stupid of me to believe you because forever doesn’t exist, nor will it ever so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. You where my friend for four years the only one who stuck with me through thick and thin, you where the first one to be contacted when something happened. I feel lonely not being able to tell you my daily dilemmas. It’s not that I’m mad at you. I had just wished and hoped so hard that you could be the one thing I could finally count on. What do you do when the only person who can stop the tears is the one making you cry? Trust me when I say this; I don’t make myself cry. There’s always a reason behind it, and I highly doubt it was just me crying for attention. Whatever I do, it never seems it be enough for you. I don’t know what you want from me, well I do, and you want a child I think I’ll pass on that offer. I am who I am. I’m weird, I’m lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random and stupid stuff, I dress how I want to dress, but I'm just me. Don’t try to change me for someone who you’ll like because you’re embarrassed. You’re never going to live my life for me, and even if I wanted you to, you won’t be able to, so stop caring about everything I do. I'm going to stay true and be myself. Why can’t I look nice without you telling me I look ugly? And vice-versa. Don't criticize what you don't understand. I'm sorry I can't be everything you want. You are so different with your friends when I'm around, must I always be the one who has to be made fun of? I get it you all think I'm a slut, and I'm just useful to you and your friends when you need money from me. A person comes into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. Don’t try to stretch a season into a lifetime. For a quick second you made me belief I was worthless. But that has changed because Socorro came when I needed her most and stepped up to the plate, something you couldn’t do. She explained to me and made me realize that you are just a boy. An immature, rude, liar, selfish, prick!  How could I always go back to you when you treated me so vulgar? I guess I followed my heart instead of my brain. And look at where that ended.I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you in my life, depending on you, think about you, dream about you, and worst of all not hating you. I still can’t get it through my head that you dumped me because of something you couldn’t even tell me, imagine what else you must have kept away from me. You made your choice, and it wasn't me. So if one day you try to come back and the choice is mine, there’s a probability it won’t be you. You know I don't want a perfect boyfriend. I just want someone to act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me more than anything. We both know, I’ve got to be perfect for you. The way I fit right into your arms. Stop with the bullshit. If you want me, be with me. Simple as that. I don’t want to force you to be with me, I just want you to be happy and if you being happy without me Is the way, so be it. I would be your friend but what for? If I can’t get over you if you’re still in my life. Because every time I talk to you I have this big urge to kiss you but yet set you on fire. I want you. But I don’t need you. And there’s a big difference in that. I wish I could find the words to tell you how much you mean to me, but even if I did find them, you wouldn’t believe me. How could I ever believe you when you say anything to me, do you know how many promises you have broken? I do, kissed Pinky promises are some serious business. Sometimes the best revenge is to smile, move on, and do NOTHING. Unlike what you call “revenge”. I don’t care that you were with her; all I cared about was how could you come to me, tell me you love me, Take my necklace so you “think” of me, and yet mess with her? Then call me and tell me nothing happened when clearly 5 people already texted me telling me what happened, and going to school and everybody coming up to me, telling me, and what’s worse is that YOU told them what happened. It’s no longer considered a mistake if you thought about and still did it - it’s a choice. I know I've messed up, but so have you. But yet again I own up to my mistakes, I didn’t go and tell everybody and then hide it from you. You want to know the difference between me and her? I can make you smile with my clothes on. Why couldn’t you face me? Is it because you’re scared to lose me? If you were worried about losing me you wouldn’t do anything to do so. I hate myself because I know you are lying to me. And I can’t understand why I still love you. I hate being with someone who fails to appreciate me, sooner or later I’m going to reach the "FUCK IT STAGE" where I no longer give a damn. If I'm with you, then I'm WITH YOU, I don't want anybody else. And you seem to care so much more about whom I am talking to and while you’re worrying about all this you're missing out on a girl willing to give up on anything just to be you’re everything. I may not be perfect, but who is? Emotionally… I’m done… Mentally… I’m drained… Spiritually… I feel dead… & yet physically… I Smile. I have to put this wall up and pretend everything is peaches and cream. I hate letting people know what’s going on with me. I don’t want to seem weak, but after it all I do not hate you, and have never hated you. I was angry at you and depressed by you and confused about you. But hate never came into it. I might hate the choices you make, but no. I don’t hate you. Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it. I know you're lying when you're telling me you're trying. Because if that was remotely close we would still be together. Sometimes you just have to give up on people. Chasing after them is heartache, especially when they don't try to meet you half way. I tried to let you go. But the more I tried, the more I kept coming back, and the more I kept getting hurt. My biggest regret is letting you into my life and letting you destroy me. I deserve more. Secretly I hope you choke on all the lies you tell; yet again, it's kind of hard to swallow that much bullshit. I'm not a bitch. You just can't handle what I'm trying to say. It’s funny because you call me, I ignore it. I get a "restricted “call, who you are trying to fool? I wasn’t born yesterday. Of course, I miss you. But that doesn't mean the worlds stop spinning. Life goes on, and so do I. Sometimes I expect more from others just because I would be willing to do that much for them. People said I've changed so much. Well, here's the truth. I grew up. I stopped letting people push me around all the time. I learned that you can't always be happy. I accepted reality. Don't give up, okay? I know you've been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. Sometimes it feels like the sadness will never end. But the feeling will pass. Perhaps one day you will see why this is the best for both of us. I’m not doing this to hurt you. You will find a new girl, and like you said she will probably be 10 times better than me. And I’ll be bummed, but what else can I do. You still mean everything to me, but you are just not worth the fight anymore. Truthfully one day, you are going to look back at what we had, and regret everything you did to make it end. And if you don’t regret it, sorry I wasted your time. I mean if we can't be happy, then we shouldn't be together right? I once heard that one of the simplest ways to be happy is by just letting go of the things that make you sad. It hurts to say goodbye to someone you love but it may be best for the both of us to move on. And no I'm not saying I’m sorry. I'm sick of saying sorry, it's your turn. Just to let you know, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I hurt people, but when I say sorry, I actually mean it. And yes, I will always pretend like I don't care, but you should know better. So just let me know when you realize that I've always been here for you, because I'm done waiting around.

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